Shiny New Blog and Some Thoughts on my Future Retirement

Yes, more "meta," I'm afraid.  But, really, I should remember that people read blogs from newest to oldest, so once any future readers work their way down to this point they will know that it's time to stop reading, as the writing will only become more fragmented and tentative.  

I'm in love with my class at the moment.  Perhaps that love will wear off once the assignments become overwhelming, or the essay that I believe deserves an A- will instead receive a B-.  But right now it feels like I'm returning to a place that I abandoned the moment I walked through a college door to work rather than to prove myself through studying.  Though I have taken many classes through the years I have been working, they have seemed more at the periphery of my life.  By rights this current class is also periphery, as I am still working full time, but now I can see my future peaking out from behind the dark clouds of my work schedule: time to initiate and complete my own projects, time to prove to others as well as myself what I am capable of, back to living and surviving by my wits, but with, hopefully, the security of a basic retirement check to fall back upon if I am not quite up to the task.

And indeed, mixed with this new hope for my future is an overwhelming fear of my future.  What IF I am not quite up to the task?  What if I lose my nerve and become not quite up to any tasks?  What if my health fails in some spectacular manner, what if I end up being alone too much of the day and fall victim to depression and anxiety?  What if, God forbid, I am not nearly as smart as I think I am? What if there is no firm heap to rise to the top of but only loose, stinky muck to drift down into?

But here, at least, during the transition, is a time and a place to play with ideas, revisit my fears, revel in the organization of my thoughts.  I'm realizing that not everything I write needs to be made public, at least not until I am ready.  My blog will happily store private collections of loose ideas on writing topics, rough drafts of essays, maybe even a private rant or two if need be.  The text cross-out feature will prove useful, as shown at the beginning of this entry.  I started out planning on writing something bland and uninteresting about the utility of this blog and instead, after mumbling a brief apology, I started writing about something that meant something to me.  I decided not to cross out the false start but to honor it as an early example of editing.  May there be many more cross-outs, and insertions, to come.  Hmmm, I could even change the color of the things I've added. Or make my meta statements, and other parenthetical things, a different color as well.  I can add links to useful urls and post commentary on other blogs. And, since not too many people will be coming and going here, I do not need to be too considerate of my readers.  I can return and edit any of my posts further without being afraid that a hypothetical reader will miss the change.

One additional bit of meta: I'm also taking an html/css class.  I have this idea that I might design a web page where the layout and background color relate to, and enhance, the topic blogged about.  Also, Blogger does abysmally with blending illustration and comment; hopefully the html class will use some sort of web hosting service where we can create all of our own formatting and not be restricted to Blogger's idiosyncrasies. There!  Now my off topic thoughts are orange.